The image of her, how I found her, will never leave me. I started having nightmares of the same intensity that Xena used to have. Hers took years to fade and settle down, to leave her. Now they shake my own body.

I am still on a journey towards the Land of The Pharoahs. When I first decided to go this way, it felt absolutely right. Now as time passes, I realize that I will not be there long, that I need to keep seeking. I'm not sure what I seek, but staying in one place too long feels scary to me. I know that Xena was getting ready to settle down, to stay put for a change. I'm not sure she ever could have been able to find one place to stay forever. I can feel her smile in acknowledgement of that, and I smile back in response.

Two weeks have passed, but my smile is still bittersweet; part of me *has* been ripped away. We've shared death so often that this still doesn't feel real. And with her so firmly settled into my heart, I don't think it ever will. Not while I am awake, anyway. Nights are still confusing. Her scent is fading from the bedrolls. I still expect to awaken and find her building a breakfast fire. My heart sinks when she isn't there, and I can feel her inside, pushing me to keep going. To get up, build a fire, find and prepare food. Break down camp and keep going. Most mornings, I hardly know I am doing it, everything has become so mechanical. Setting up camp at night is the same, just going through the motions. I focus on the routine alone. Oftentimes I see her sitting on a nearby rock, or next to me on the log. I can almost feel her, the touch being light and feathery. I can hear a whisper in my ears. She told me she would be with me, and she is, though it does not feel quite real or solid.

************

Xena, I know this is what you wanted but I am finding it very difficult.

Gabrielle, I know I made the right decision, to remain dead. I didn't know then how much I would hurt as well. But I had to do it.

Maybe the Land of the Pharoahs does need a girl with a chakram. And maybe someone there will know a way to bring you back, so that *you're* the girl, and I can be beside you again.

You are more than that, Gabrielle. I know you know this, but I want you to feel your strength and power. And as much as I hurt, for the first time since I met you, I really feel as though I have done everything I can. There are things I have done that you still know nothing of. Staying dead, I feel I can finally do justice to it all.

You do not need to stay dead! There is still so much good to be done, that we can do together.

We still will do it together, just not the same as we did it before. Trust me. I love you. I will not leave you.

Xena....

**************

All I feel is a gentle sigh from her. No, I do not understand it. Xena is resolute, though. Inside me she will remain.

And now that she has become a part of me, gods, the emotions are so intense! While I knew they were always there and always strong, I am almost overpowered by them now. I can feel her own pain over our physical separation, her own ache for touch. At least once a night, we find ourselves in a dreamscape again, kissing, touching for only the most fleeting of moments before I wake up. I try to fall asleep quickly for that brief moment of being with her, but anxiety keeps me awake, alert, wary of the world around me. I want sleep so I can be with her, but sleep comes hard because of her absence.

Our time in India has shown me that we will meet again. We will keep finding each other since our souls are forever intertwined. That knowledge is a small comfort at best.

My next stop has to be Amphipolis, then, to bring her ashes to her brother. She always wanted to be brought back to him. While there, I will make arrangements for myself as well. I will send word to Eve to meet me there. I know Xena would want that. Beyond going there, I know I need to decide what to do, where to go next. I know; I said I am not alone, *she* says I am not alone, but having her spirit isn't the same as having her presence beside me in a fight. Now I understand why Xena let me take the lead when we first arrived in Higuchi. She wanted me to see that I could do it. Did she know then that she would be leaving me? I know I can lead. I know I can win a fight. I know that there are many fights that need fighting, and Xena would want me to be out there doing it. If I wanted to. I don't know yet if I do, if I can.

Oddly enough, despite our general distrust of the Greek gods, I really want to call on Aphrodite. She has been a friend to both of us, so perhaps it is fitting I call on the goddess of love for some shelter for a while. She'll kick me out when I'm ready, whether I think I am or not. The Amazons would be another logical stop, but I'm not sure I can face my grief there. I feel as though I need to be a leader to them, not just one of them. The first time Xena died, when Ephiny found us in the forest, I needed them. I've changed a lot since then. So have they. I may go there eventually, but not now. Maybe I can seek out Sappho, and learn more about bardly crafts from her. There are still stories I have not written, and I want them to be the best they can be. It really is up to me, now, to make sure Xena's story is told, and told well. Our story.

I am not alone. Xena will always be with me, and I will always be with her. That much is certain. But I must travel alone for now, until some peace has found me, and my way is clear. Or, like most of my adventures with Xena, I "fall into" something and life picks up again. These are only my first steps.
 

 

 
return to my Xena index